


cut me open

by hotdamnitszuko



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst, Assassination Attempt(s), Blue Spirit Zuko (Avatar), Canon-Typical Violence, Friends to Lovers, Identity Reveal, M/M, Secret Identity, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:42:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26765251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hotdamnitszuko/pseuds/hotdamnitszuko
Summary: "now fifty thousand war cadets would coware at this small brunette. to my surprise, not six feet high, who'd reach and grab the moon if i should ask, or just imply that i wanted a bit more light." - forever... (it's a long time) ; halsey.++ sokka stops an assassination attempt against the fire lord's life by risking it all, no matter the cost. and zuko loses someone he never got to have, and never got to come clean to about everything he has been feeling for years.
Relationships: Sokka/Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 55
Kudos: 149
Collections: Zukka Spymaster AU





	1. the death.

**Author's Note:**

> hiiii
> 
> ok im reuploading this because i deleted it out of fear so! enjoy for a second time if you were here before, but this time with more chapters!! because i am getting really busy with school and about to take a trip and stuff idk how quick i'll be able to get the next chapter out so i am publishing all three right now! 
> 
> follow me on my tumblr for updates and if you have any questions or just wanna talk! you can find me @hotdamnitszuko
> 
> much love!

_ “I admit that death is not just about you, it is also about those who love you.” - Peter Greenaway _

+

Nothing had come easily for Zuko, even after he had been crowned the Fire Nation’s youngest ever Fire Lord. No one had expected it to, but it didn’t help that while dealing with the aftermath of the deadliest war to ever exist, he was also having to deal with his voice breaking during important meetings with all of the nations highest officials. Putting a sixteen year old in charge of the entire nation had been a struggle, and frankly the advisors had been fools to do so even if Zuko was the Crowned Prince at the time. Despite that, Zuko had made the most of all of the responsibility that had been forced upon him. Nearly ten years from his coronation, the nation was doing better than it had in its entire history on earth. 

The people of both the Fire Nation and its now massive amount of colonies had learned to live together civilly, growing and expanding off to build diverse families all over the seemingly never ending oceans. This feat had not come without struggle. Zuko was still trying to figure out how to be a better Fire Lord than his father, and his father before that, and all of the Fire Lord before him. In that first year, he had learned of a fight against the motion to remove the Earth Colonies from the Fire Nation getting traction amongst the civilians. That had led to the first attempt on his life after becoming the Fire Lord, and if you asked Zuko about it, he would just tell you that he honestly had expected it to come sooner. 

After Zuko had spent time speaking to the families made up of both Earthbenders and his own Firebenders, Zuko had no choice but to remove his support for the proposal he and Aang had come up with together. He knew too much of what it was like to have his family split up, and he would be damned if he was the cause of any more familial pain. 

Unbeknownst to the rest of their friends, soon after accepting the position of Fire Lord, Zuko and Aang held their own private meeting together. Zuko had made Aang swear,  _ promise _ , that if he ever started to become anything like his father, that Aang would put a permanent end to that. When Aang questioned what he meant by this request, Zuko had just given him this deep look that told Aang everything he needed to know. Zuko wanted Aang to promise to kill him if he ever began to resemble his disgrace of a father lord. 

After that promise, there had been a couple of close calls where Zuko really had thought it was his ending. If Katara hadn’t been able to calm Aang down, or if Roku’s words of encouragement have pushed Aang to react faster, who knows who would be sitting on the throne now. It’s something none of them like to speak of now, the thought alone bringing a deep sadness to Aang’s face if he thinks about how he had almost killed one of his best friends. 

Between Zuko’s family issues, learning to navigate the role of fixing his home nation after a hundred years of destructive war, and the never ending assassination attempts, it had been the longest ten years of his life. But there isn’t much that he would change about it (except for maybe the couple of grey hairs he had noticed popping up). Sokka had seen Zuko regain a trusting relationship with his sister, become one of the most respected officials across all of the nations, and basically rewrite every law in the book to better work for his people how they wished to be served, all without complaining as anyone else would have given in his position. 

Sokka’s forgiving nature and Zuko’s stubborn need to make it up to all of them for all the times he had tried to kill them had given way to an easy friendship. Katara, Aang, and Sokka had spent the time right after the end of the war going around to help rebuild different nations, but Sokka found himself visiting the Fire Nation more than just for work. It helped that he had been dating Suki at the time, but getting to see Zuko was another perk of it too. It had been a long time since he had a friend his own age that wasn’t his own sister. 

For a small stretch of time over the last two years though, Sokka hadn’t come to visit as much. He had gotten busy back home in the Southern Water Tribe, shadowing his father and learning what he needed to know for when he became Chief someday. As exciting as it was the take over, it was also a lot to think about. He didn’t want to disappoint his father, or his people, and he wanted to learn every single thing that he could so that he didn’t embarrass himself or accidentally start another war. 

This was the reason that he had missed out on his usual trips to visit his favorite Hothead Lord and Kyoshi Warrior Leader. Zuko hadn’t let him forget it, either. He regularly found himself on the receiving end of letters closed with the familiar Fire Lord seal and full of delicate words in dark black ink. They were usually just filled with words of encouragement (Zuko knew he was training hard in the South Pole), but this year had all been full of stories of his newborn daughter.

Though Zuko and Mai had a rough few years of breakups and makeups, the pair had decided to split ways for the last time. Zuko understands it was definitely his fault, he had an issue with trusting people but he has gotten better over time. That doesn’t excuse the fact that she was the last person he dated, and how he threw himself completely into his work after that. If asked about it, he always would point out how it isn’t easy for the Fire Lord to go on casual first dates all the time, and Sokka had to give it to him, that was a pretty good excuse if he’s ever heard one.

Zuko’s aversion to branching out into the dating scene wasn’t lost on all of his advisors or his Uncle. There were constant notes in their meeting agendas about the need for an heir, sooner rather than later. He was always ready to argue back, standing at the head of the table with his fists pressed into the dark brown wood, telling them that they have no right to rush him into producing an heir or forcing him into an arranged marriage, and how that isn’t how they were going to run things around here anymore.

What finally wore Zuko down, was Mai showing up at his work-room one afternoon with a small stack of papers in her hands. One Kyoshi Warrior tells anyone that asks to this day how long they were in there speaking, whispered voices in official, serious sounding tones. To anyone else, it sounded like any other business meeting, but it was so much more than that. Mai had spoken to Iroh at length for weeks, deciding that the only way to get Zuko to talk about the idea of an heir was coming up with a proposal. That way, he would have to read through it and take it into consideration as seriously as he would any other document.

Some people would look at the situation from the outside and see a business deal where Zuko is the only one who benefits, but inside it was so different from that. When Mai left his chambers with signed papers, she was glowing as if she held the same fire inside her chest that Firebenders did. Ever since moving from her parents home and into the palace, Mai had been realizing just how much of herself was dictated by her father and his political position. She had changed so much over just the few years, and her sharp edges had smoothed out and her affectionate side had come to see the light more obviously.

No one but Zuko, Iroh, and Mai knew exactly what was in the contract, but the gist of it was that if Zuko was still without a plan to marry and produce an heir by twenty-five, him and Mai would have a child together. It wasn’t an easy decision to make, as by then Zuko was very aware of the way he never wanted to date a woman again, but if there was anyone he trusted more with any future child of his, it would be Mai. She had told him that day of what she had said to Azula at the boiling rock, how she loved him more than she feared her. The sentiment still stood, though it needed a little bit of amending. Mai held Zuko’s hands in her own, and said she loved him more than she feared anyone else, and that she wanted this. 

Mai had wanted a kid so much, it wasn’t like she was just doing this to help Zuko out. She wanted someone to treat with all of the unwavering love that she had always wished her parents had shown her for even a moment. Someone to raise to be strong and brave, without losing any of their own personality, and never to serve her or Zuko’s own jobs. Zuko had made amendments to the contract though, telling Mai that she would have as much power as she wished as the mother to the heir of the Fire Nation throne, and that she would always be their mother no matter what Zuko’s love life looked like in the future.

The agreement had gone over well with all of the advisors they had to get it approved with, and three years later they had made good on their deal (for lack of a better word.. It had been anything but romantic, if anything it was laughable.) As soon as Mai fell pregnant, any other topic to write about in Zuko’s letters went out the window. Everything was about this baby, his excitement, his shock at his own excitement, and of course his doubt about the entire thing. He was terrified of being a bad father, or an absent father, or anything like his own excuse for one that was currently behind bars. Just a few years shy of thirty, and Zuko had already held every type of guilt and fear on his shoulders, no one expected the idea of having a child to come any differently to him. 

Those fears had burnt up the second Izumi was born. They had received a letter announcing the arrival of the Fire Nation royal child, a daughter for the non-couple. Every nation head had gotten the same formal letter, but the Beifong Metalbending Academy, the Southern Water Tribe chiefs family (and by extension, the Air Nomad nation, formally known as Aang), had all had an invitation to come visit the royal family in a time of celebration.

Sokka had wished he could have joined Katara, Aang, and their crazy three year old in visiting, but his dad had him on the annual Bowhead seal hunting trip and he knew he needed the practice leading a hunting trip. Though, he had made sure to pack up some children’s furs with a note for them to come visit as soon as the child grew into them, and (“mostly decorative”) boomerang for Katara to bring to the new parents for him.

Sokka had met Izumi a few times over the year of her life, and she was the striking image of her mother. And extremely babbly, more so than any other baby Sokka had met. He liked to joke that she got that all from her father. Sokka had never seen so much pride in someone’s face until he first saw Zuko holding a tiny red bundle with pitch black hair in his arms to greet him at the palace doors. He would be lying if the thought of himself in the same position right about now, had he and Suki stayed together, didn’t cross his mind.

Between the royal family, his Kyoshi Warrior friends, and the first ‘free time’ in two long years, there was little stopping Sokka from deciding to stay in the Fire Nation for a while. When he pitched the idea to his father, his excuse for the sudden desire to take a trip was to learn more about the Fire Nation’s relation to his tribe and the other nations so he is prepared for dealing with treaties when he is elected Chief. 

So Sokka found himself packing a bag, kissing his sister's forehead goodbye, and getting on a ship. The palace had a revolving door of guests at all times, and had housed everyone in their friend group at one point or another. Now it was Sokka’s turn to spend a few months browsing the Fire Lord’s book collection and building up his spice tolerance. 

After all of the time spent visiting, it’s not unusual to see Zuko’s friends and ambassadors walking around the palace, finding ways to busy themselves while he worked or between long meetings with the other officials. Zuko never liked how dark the place had been before he took over all those years ago, but now with the curtains pulled back (both figurative and literally) it opened up the hallways to friendly conversations and laughter. 

Sokka found himself wandering the halls alone one morning after about a month of being there. It was hard to sleep in much as the rest of the palace arose with the sun, so his sleep schedule was better than it had been in years after just a few short weeks. Not that he minded though, he enjoyed being able to think about things he walked and explored without the supervising eyes he would have had on him when he was a teen. 

It had taken Sokka a little longer to come around to staying in the Fire Nation as a whole than it had to come around to Zuko himself. He still had this residual loathing of seeing the symbols hanging about, until once when he came to visit and they had almost all been removed and replaced with the universal sign for peace that Aang had been telling him would catch on. That was what had caught his attention this bright morning, his fingers brushed up against the intricate carvings along one of the many pillars in one of the many twisting hallways. It had almost distracted him enough that he hadn’t noticed the strangely whispered voices. 

Despite this end of the palace usually being empty at this time of the day, it wasn’t like the palace workers to talk so quietly, Zuko had made it very clear that they were to act comfortably and freely inside and outside of the palace walls. Something in Sokka’s brain brought him back to his mischievous teenage days, and his body pressed back against the wall behind the pillar as the voices drew closer. He was not expecting to see two guards stopping feet from where he was, hushed angry whispers shared between them. 

“You’re sure that no one has caught on?” The shorter of the two spoke, helmet clanking a little as he looked from side to side down each end of the hallway.

A scoff came from the one who’s back was to Sokka, “Of course not. I think we would both be dead by now if anyone knew about this. Besides, weeks of roaming these halls hasn’t drawn any suspicion yet, we are two steps ahead of them at this point.”

Something in Sokka’s stomach shifted at the sound of that. Whatever ‘this’ was, couldn’t be good judging by their rough tones and paranoid eyes. Sokka tried to place if he knew either of these men’s names, having known most of the workers around here personally by now. As if they could feel eyes on them, the two men stopped speaking and Sokka pressed back into the wall to hide himself again. 

There was a beat of silence before one of the unnamed men spoke again, “The Fire Lord should be in his private library by now. You have your dagger, correct?”

“Yes. _ I will take care of him. _ ” With that, the two parted ways quickly, a silence agreement between them.

Sokka has never felt so cold in his life, and he didn’t see grass until he was fifteen years old. Dagger? There was only one reason that you would need to bring a dagger into the private chambers of the Fire Lord, alone. He swallowed so harshly that he was surprised they couldn’t hear him. It had been quite a while since Zuko’s life was in danger, with most Ozai sympathizers having been arrested and the Kyoshi Warriors patrolling day in and day out. 

Something came over Sokka then, throat tightening as he darted out from his hiding place. It only took him a few paces to catch up to the much shorter guard, long legs helping him. One of his arms easily held the guard’s own arms behind his back, armor digging into his skin roughly as his other arm pressed into his throat to stop him from fighting back for a moment as he was caught by surprise.

“And what do you think you are doing? Plotting an assassination attempt against the Fire Lord behind his own walls?” Sokka spit in his ear.

Sokka was trained in just about every type of weapon under the sun, a master of his craft in sword fighting, beyond skilled with a boomerang, even picking up bow and arrow in his late teens. He was also fairly good in hand to hand combat, but with the adrenaline pumping through him, sleep still clouding his brain, he hadn’t expected the man to get free from his hold so easily.

A glimmer of a knife being unsheathed at the guards side catches Sokka’s eye, and his hand instinctively goes to his own. He was now extremely thankful he had decided to do some close range sparring practice later and took the time to clip his dagger to his belt before he left his chambers. 

Now face to face, each of the men equal with their small but deadly weapons, Sokka can see this guard couldn’t be much older than himself. Before he had any time to dwell on that horrifying fact, there was a knife coming straight for his abdomen.

Sokka reacted just in time, fingers wrapping around his wrist tight, the sharp curve of the end of his dagger just centimeters from cutting the dark blue fabric of his tunic. Their faces were so close now, dark brown eyes boring straight into his own bright blue ones. With the close distance, Sokka’s other hand made the split second decision to knock the protective helmet right off of the young man's head. Now, the guard seemed aware of his need to restrain Sokka, the two men in a slight tug of war, knives in hand and struggling against the strength of each other.

Suddenly a shout was pulled from Sokka’s throat with such force, and there was a piercing pain in Sokka’s upper thigh. He tore his eyes away for just a moment to see that the assassins knife was stuck through the thin fabric of his pants directly into the muscle underneath. In their shoving back and forth, somehow he had gotten leverage enough to knee his own hand, aiming the weapon directly at whatever part he could reach first. Blood was now soaking his clothes and beginning to drip down the blade to the royal rugs that lined every hallway in the entire palace. 

Using the rush of pain as motivation, Sokka threw his entire body weight back away from the man. He kept his hand tight to his wrist, shoving back at the same time and the knife was yanked from his leg. Sokka would swear later that he had seen white, but wouldn’t admit the whimper to Tui and La came from himself. 

“What does the Fire Lord’s life mean to you, you should be loyal to your home tribe!” The man's voice rang from somewhere distant as Sokka regained his balance. He shifted on his feet, testing what it was like to put weight on his now injured leg before he shoved himself shoulders first at the guy.

Instead of an answer, Sokka slammed him into the pillar he had been hiding behind just moments before, hearing the crack of his head hitting the mable without the protection of his helmet to ease the pain. The impact caused the assassin's hand to drop from Sokka’s wrist, jutting out to land a punch right into his jaw. Sokka felt his head snap to the side more than he felt it, having just enough time to duck before another punch was thrown.

He took the opportunity to grab onto his arm at the elbow, shifting his body around so his back was to his attacker and throw the man’s weight over his shoulder. The height difference made it easy, but the weight of the armor proved difficult as the guard tumbled over Sokka and into the ground. The sharp metal edges jabbed at him as they made contact in different places, the movement causing one of his shoulder pieces to slice the skin behind Sokka’s ear. 

The clanging sound echoes, and Sokka begins to wonder how much longer before someone finally heard them and came to his rescue (or maybe another assassin would hear, and Sokka would be shit out of luck). He didn’t think about that too much, because there was a boot coming directly at his knee now, causing Sokka to come crashing down on him.  _ Are you fucking kidding me? How does he still have the energy to fight?!  _

Sokka’s immediate reflex was to start slashing at the man below him, his knife grating against the armor and scuffing it but not doing much damage otherwise. Somewhere in the shuffle of forearms and punches and jabs, the assassins knife went skidding across the floor and just out of both of their reaches. This was his chance, if he didn’t take it, who knows how long he would continue to fight this man and what the outcome could be. 

Mind you, Sokka had never intentionally killed someone, not even when fighting to end the war with the Avatar. It wasn’t the way of his tribe. They hunted animals, but never wasted any of it, respecting nature. That respect transferred to humans, and sometimes it had been to the disadvantage of their own people like when the Southern Raiders had come to his village two decades before when they had fought them off the best that they could without the intent to kill. It is important to him that you know that, as his knife dug into the gap of skin between the left chest and shoulder pieces of silver armor below him.

A gasp of breath escaped from the young man, eyes widening as his fingers dug into the front of Sokka’s shirt. A burst of something deep in his chest he had never felt before took over, wrist shifting to twist the knife in deeper. Sokka had seen his fair share of death, had been struck by it more times than a kid should have before he even hit puberty, but this was different. He felt the life slipping from the boy,  _ he was just a boy _ , under him. His face paled, his jaw went slack, and deep brown eyes glassed over as the moments passed. 

As if all of a sudden sensing what had just occurred, Sokka heard dozens of footsteps echoing and coming closer.  _ He just killed someone.  _ But he did it to save his own life. Right? Sokka ignored his own question, as his eyes caught onto someone further down the North end of the hall for the first time since the fight broke out. 

It was the other guard, assassin? _,_ eyes set in a piercing glare as he stalked forward. “You’re a dead man, just like your precious Fire Lord. If you live through that,” He spit, pure hatred in his voice as his eyes singled in on the obvious wound on Sokka’s leg.

Leaving the knife in the chest of the dead man, Sokka scrambled to his feet. His pants and hands covered in red as he had to catch himself on the closest tapestry hanging on the stone walls. Before he could get into another fight, he turned his back to the man as he kneeled over what he assumed was his friend, and fought through the pain to take a sharp corner out of the crime scene. 

He could hear the distance voices of women he recognized as the Kyoshi Warriors, shouting for a medic and for more guards.  _ He just killed someone _ . Sokka tripped over his own feet as he slammed his shoulder into a large shelf in the hallway, just barely squeezing himself between the shelf and wall, into the hidden opening behind it. Thank Spirits that Zuko had made sure they knew every inch of the palace. 

Sokka is plunged into darkness as he uses the last of his energy to shove the shelf back into place before he slides down the stone wall, bloody hand covering his mouth tightly. A sob rips through his chest, salty tears falling from his eyelashes before he even has time to recognize that he had started crying. 

He pulls himself back further into the tunnel with the hand not on his face, muffled whimper as he drags his bleeding leg behind him. Cobwebs catch in his wolf tail, dust covering his already soiled clothes. Sokka had never felt so dirty in his life. Not when he was gutting fish for his village, not after a full day of training with Piandao and sweating through all of his clothes, not even when he spent weeks without a real bath while traveling with his sister and the Avatar. This was a kind of dirty that went deeper than just his skin, deep enough he could feel it in his bones. It was a feeling, that in this moment, he wasn’t sure he was ever going to get rid of it. He couldn’t even think of what it was like just half an hour before, when he had been clean.

Sokka wasn’t stupid. He knew that in order to take down Fire Lord Ozai, and to end the hundred year war, he had been the cause of lost lives. But in war time, it was different, and it hadn’t felt so real then. He was more detached from it then. He could at least pretend it hadn’t happened, he didn’t have to look the soldiers in the eye as the life drained from their bodies. He didn’t have to feel their pulses stop under his own fingertips. He didn’t have their blood currently covering his hands and face, growing sticky as it dried and smelling sickeningly of metal. Sokka hadn’t felt this light headed since Sozin’s comet. 

It’s when he starts to slump against the cold floor that he starts to wish he had been able to make it somewhere safe. Even if he screamed out now, would anyone even be able to hear him? Or just the man hiding in plain sight, acting as though he was there to protect their Fire Lord, waiting for him to show weekend so he could offer the finishing strike. Maybe he didn’t even need to be there, maybe the young man’s blade had done that already. It had been long enough to drive deep into his muscle, and Sokka sword he had hit bone. His strength behind the thrust of his weapon was enough to cause serious damage, especially in the leg Sokka had hurt so many years before and had never quite healed correctly. 

Keeping his eyes open became more of a chore than it seemed worth it. His mind was spinning so fast that the only thing to keep himself from vomiting was to press his already dirty forehead to the cold, blackened stone floor. 

Slowly, his ears started to ring in an unusual way. And he would swear on everything he owns that he could hear Katara, she was laughing. But it wasn’t the grown up Katara, the one with a child and husband, it was little Katara. Now, Sokka was even more confused. When had he opened his eyes? More importantly, when had he gotten home? 

  
Maybe he needed a nap… That’s what he remembered telling himself just before his body went limp against the floor, more blood around him than probably in him at this point. Sokka was going to bleed out in this corridor and  **_he had just killed someone._ **


	2. the realization.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next two chapters are much shorter than the first one but that is because i had to set up background info, they will continue to get longer as this story goes on!
> 
> all of these chapters are unedited as i am too broke to hire someone to proofread so i apologize!

_“I cannot tell you how you will survive without me. I cannot tell you how to mourn me. I cannot convince you to not feel guilty if you forget the anniversary of my death, or if you realize days or weeks or months have gone by without thinking about me. I just want you to live.” - Adam Silvera_

+

All that was left, was the Fire Lord himself. The assassins had planned to get in and do their job and get out before his morning meeting, but all of his guest ambassadors had been able to make it into the throne meeting room for the annual Republic City budget. Honestly, if Zuko had known about the assassination attempt being planned in the other wing of the palace, he would have preferred that to this meeting. It had been quite some time since the last time someone had planned to have his head on a silver platter. 

There he sat, elbow on the arm of the throne, dozing off as they talked numbers and investments and.. Zuko’s half-nap was stopped with the sound of the door slamming open. “Fire Lord Zuko, I need to speak with you. I apologize for disturbing such an important meeting, my highest regards to all of your representing nations.”

Suki? What was Suki doing in here, stopping a meeting like this? There had never been a time when she had done such a thing, something so unprofessional and juvenile almost. Suki had made a point to separate their friendship and work, something Zuko was happy to agree to. He had too many of his relationships being ruined by Fire Lord business to want to ever bring that upon himself now that he sat on the throne. 

Whatever it was, he was thankful to have an excuse to wave off the older men speaking and give his full attention to his friend. “Of course, as you were.”

“Your Lord, I think this matter should be… private.” Her voice shook a little, hands folded behind her back. She wasn’t wearing her belt, and that was strange. Every part of the Kyoshi Warrior uniform was important to their people, each string and inch of fabric holding centuries of meaning behind them. They would never be without any one piece. 

Zuko motions for her to come forward, waiting as she seems to stumble across the expansive room, unlike her usual steady and strong footsteps, full of purpose. “What is it? Is Izumi alright?” Zuko leans forward a little, a frown settling on his face. He only calmed after her head shook, blunt red bob brushing along her chin as she did so. 

“Zuko.. It’s Sokka. I think you’ll want to come with me to talk somewhere else.” _Sokka?_

“Sokka?” He repeats his thoughts, the headache he had been pushing back earlier was starting to creep around to his temples again. What had Sokka gotten into now? “Tell me here, tell me now. Is he alright? Whatever has been damaged can be fixed.”

It’s then that he notices the tears in her eyes, “Zuko, Sokka has been-” she takes a step forward, close enough that she could reach up and brush her fingertips along the tall steps to the throne. “Sokka was killed in a fight with an attempted assassin, Zuko. They were both injured badly, each losing their lives.”

Zuko almost froze to death in the North Pole when he was on his mission to bring the Avatar to his father all those years ago. He had dragged Aang through a blizzard, over a lake of ice, and into a frozen cave for miles. He had never seen his limbs turn so blue, or get so stiff, or have his chi flicker out from the wintry winds in his sixteen years of life at that point. Even so, even taking that moment when he thought he could die from frostbite at any second, he wasn’t even half as cold then as he suddenly is now. “No.” Is all that comes from his lips.

The next thing he knew he was shoving himself from the throne, tripping over his robes and nearly falling face first off of the high platform. Suki has to catch him at the top step, sitting down with him. “Out- All of you, get out!” Zuko can’t see the ambassadors being rushed out of the room by trusted guards, his vision going blurry with what he thinks is anger. He isn’t sure who the anger is directed towards just yet, but when he figures it out they are as good as ash. 

“Zuko, you need to breathe. I gotta get you off of the floor,” Suki whispers, already starting to tug at the ties on his robe to give him more room to catch his breath without the constraint. 

“Bring me to him, I want to see him.” Zuko’s voice doesn’t even feel like it’s coming from him, sounding like he’s in a nightmare, trying to scream but unable to speak above a whisper. His throat is tight, scratchy already, like it had been burned from the inside, all the moisture wicked from it.

Suki doesn’t answer him, waving over Ty Lee when she spots her in the doorway, “Help me get him to the room that Mai, Izumi, and Azula are being held in.” Ty Lee doesn’t hesitate before bounding forward to help her friends, but it’s clear she had just forced herself to stop crying before entering the room. So she had heard the news before Zuko? Who else knows? Did Uncle know? Izumi? _Katara?_

“No! I want to see him, you’re lying! Bring me to him, or I’ll have you banished! He’s not dead!” Zuko prided himself in how much he had grown from his over-emotional, irrationally angry teenage self. But in this moment, he was sixteen and he hated the world and all he wanted was to see his mom because everyone was _lying to him_. Sokka wouldn’t die, not before him. He was too good of a warrior for that, it was impossible. Why were they lying to him!? He was the Fire Lord, they knew better than to lie to him about something like this. As his friends, they knew even more so not to ever say such words to him.

“Zuko, I’m so sorry,” Ty Lee’s voice is higher than Suki’s, but dripping in just as much sorrow. “Let us take you to Izumi, she’s scared and needs her father.”

They knew him far too well, and knew exactly what would get his feet to start to shuffle against the cold marble flooring. It’s a blur going down the hallways, catching the pitiful glances from every worker he passed, but no one lingered long as the palace was in lockdown mode outside of the confined, undisturbed throne room.

Zuko suddenly yanked himself from their arms as they passed by Sokka’s room. It was always the same, they never changed between his visits. Every one of his friends had a room just for themselves, and Zuko even found himself wandering them when he missed his second family. Stepping through the doorway this time felt different. Without looking, Zuko knew his face was red and blotchy and tear tracked.

Sokka’s things were just as he had left them that morning, and for some reason Zuko was even more angry to see that. He wanted to tear the room apart, as if his friends had been hiding Sokka from him, that this was all some sick joke. So that was what he did. 

Zuko’s hands started with the bedsheets, yanking them clean off onto the floor without a second thought. The silk slipped through his fingers easily, and he nearly tripped over the pile on his way to the windows to attack the drapes next. The room was full of sunlight and dust particles and the clanking sound of the curtain rods as he let out a guttural scream. 

Fire snapped up from Zuko’s hands but he couldn’t hear it over his screaming, smoke already starting to discolor the wall beside the big windows. He lowered his hands down to the dresser, gripping the dark wood tight. The frame started to break easily under the heat and pressure, leaving a satisfying crack as he broke off part of it. 

Everyone he had ever cared about had left him, at one point or another. His mother left and forced herself to forget about him, and his father had left him long before he was even old enough to walk or talk. And now... the one person that was never supposed to leave, had done the same as everyone else. The one person he loved in ways he had only ever wished to be able to love someone like Mai, the mother of his child.

The difference was, Sokka hadn’t left him on purpose. Somehow, that stung deep in Zuko’s gut in a worse way than anyone else before. Because Sokka hadn’t left, after all. He was stolen from him. Taken right under Zuko’s nose, just before he was able to finally reach out to him.

Zuko had known he had loved Sokka for years now, but after the birth of his daughter was he able to realize how different love can feel. When he looked at Izumi, he would be brought to tears with how much love was filling him, enough to strangle him from the inside out. When he looked at Mai, he felt a bright flutter of sparks in his stomach like he was ten years old again and was caught in the fountain with her, cheeks flushed. But when he looked at Sokka… he felt a tug so deep at his heart, sometimes he made him physically ill. When he looked at Sokka, it took all of his willpower to tear his eyes away, no matter how important whatever he was _supposed_ to be paying attention to was. When he looked at Sokka, he saw the face he wanted to wake up to every single morning for the rest of his life, the rest of the four nations be damned if it meant he could lay beside that man for a second.

And now, Zuko would never have the chance to. He would never even get the opportunity to confess to him how he really felt, how the letters he sent were kept neatly in a fireproof box beneath his bed, and how every gift he had ever received from him sat in a perfectly planned out place just as Sokka would have wanted. 

Zuko’s head had started to spin at all of these emotions hitting him at once, and he dropped the burnt wood to the floor and reached for the next closest piece of furniture to catch himself on, unable to stand on his shaking legs. What he happened to grab onto was Sokka’s desk. His scrolls were still there, ink left open to dry out like he had thought about sending a letter before he left his room that morning. If only he had just stayed in bed a little longer, or had taken Zuko up on the offer for a spot at his boring meeting. Zuko reached past his writing supplies though, grabbing what his eyes had caught onto first. The worn down whale bone, attached to a thin black string allows it just the right amount of give to pull over Sokka’s head. Sokka’s necklace sat heavy in Zuko’s hand, and came clutching to his chest as he let himself fall to the floor with a loud, angry sob.

He was sure that he is being spoken to, but all he can register is the weight of a blanket being wrapped around his shoulders, and arms lifting him from the floor. His mind barely coherent enough to register that the blanket had come from Sokka’s bed, and that it smelled of a familiar musk he had come to endure because of the Southern Water Tribesmen. 

The next thing Zuko knows, he is being led into a room with a heavy metal door, similar to that of the ones going into the prison cells they kept his father in, or the psych wards they tried to get him to send his sister to after the events that lead to his father's capture. The room inside was equally as cold, dressed up only with beds on either wall and a handful of other basic furniture to try and make it seem more like a room people would actually spend their time in outside of a royal emergency. 

The first person his eyes land on is Mai, who is sitting on the edge of the bed, Izumi laying beside her. Mai’s face held a sadness that could only mean that she knew, but Izumi was only focused on the scroll Azula was reading to her softly, clearly not having been told anything was wrong. She would be too young to understand, afterall.

“Zuko,” Mai’s raspy voice drew him back into the present day, as she stood from the bed but didn’t move an inch out of the spot her feet seemed to be locked in. “Honey..”

Zuko broke down for the second time in the last thirty minutes, trudging forward to fall into her arms. Never once did the necklace leave the tight squeeze it was currently pressed into in his left palm. His sobs broke out, muffled by the thick fabric of her robe that was ruffled at her shoulder. Her hands soothed his back, warm lips pressed to his hair. “I know. Let it out, I know.” She did know, she knew everything about Zuko. Sometimes (most of the time) more than even he did. 

“They didn’t tell us who it was at first… We thought it had been you,” Mai whispers to him after a moment, and Zuko could hear Izumi squirming behind them to see what was happening with her parents. 

“I wish it had been,” Zuko’s voice broke, earning himself a pinch on the shoulder. He knew it was the wrong thing to say, but that didn’t make his words feel any less true to how he was feeling in that moment as they came from his lips. “I’m sorry-”

“Don’t apologize, Zuzu.” Azula speaks up next, “Come sit with us, you deserve to grieve with family.”

His relationship with his sister had gotten increasingly better over the years, now trusting her to watch Izumi if he and Mai had meetings to attend or guests to greet. It was now-a-days he could hear her say these words to him, and knew there was no ulterior motive. She wasn’t plotting anything, it was simply just a sister wanting her do what she could when her brother was hurting.

“We will be back when the palace is secure, and I will tell you anything you want to know.” Suki promises from the doorway, frowning like somehow this was her fault. Maybe it was, Zuko didn’t know anything. He was the Fire Lord for spirits sake, and he knew less than his own security. But knowing his friends, they were keeping the details from him for a reason, and if he wasn’t so desperate for answers (and revenge), he would be grateful for how much they cared about it. 

Zuko let Mai bring him to the bed, for the first time ever even the sight of his daughter didn’t ease his breaking heart, but he pulled her to his aching chest anyway. The lightning that had coursed through his veins and pierced every square inch of his heart all those years ago hurt less than this did. It felt like he would never know what it was like to breathe normally again. He assumed this lightheadedness was something that would last forever. Zuko voiced none of these thoughts, shivering slightly through them alone instead. 

“Get out of my sight,” Zuko spat when he noticed Suki still standing in the spot he had left her in the doorway, “If you won’t let me see him, I won’t speak to you.”

It hurt Suki to hear Zuko speak that way to her, with such pure venom and hatred. She would swear later that she saw sparks licking the backside of his teeth. Everyone in the room, even the baby in his arms, were quiet. “Alright..” was all that she said, head held high as she stepped through the small gap in the door opened by the guards stationed outside. “Make sure his Uncle’s home is guarded and watched, if he decides to come to the palace I should be the first to be notified so I can walk him here myself.” She speaks to a pair of them before turning sharply on her heel, off to figure out what the spirits to do about Zuko wanting to see Sokka’s body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave comments and kudos!!! they make me happy :) 
> 
> as always, you can find me on tumblr @hotdamnitszuko


	3. the lie.

_“Light thinks it travels faster than anything, but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.”_ _\- Terry Pratchett._

+

It was Suki who noticed the crimson spots along the already red carpet that darted down the stone hallway and around the corner. Before she could go investigate what threat awaited at the end of the trail, she had to be a leader and take care of the situation currently in front of her. So jobs were delegated out. There are roles to take care of the body and to clean up the blood, as well as guards sent to barricade every entrance and exit of the palace. Some of the oldest members of the Kyoshi Warriors are immediately told to go find Mai and the Crown Princess to make sure that they stay safe in case this was an attack on the Royal Family. Ty Lee, a trusted friend of both her and the Fire Lord, is told to stay close in case Suki needs the backup but not to follow her down the hallway so as to not make noise and alert whomever may be lurking.

Fans in hand, Suki takes slow and quiet steps along the hallway. She steps right over the blood spots, eyeing where a small puddle had formed by an old shelf. Suki took a deep breath, tucking her fans back into her belt as she began to shove at the heavy wood. 

“I am a Kyoshi Warrior, serving the Fire Lord and his Royal Family. If you are armed, I will have no choice but to take you down. I suggest you have your hands up.” Suki says, keeping her voice steady but loud enough to be heard by the person inside the hideaway.

What she isn’t expecting to see when she lets in light to the dark hidden tunnel, is Sokka. He is in a crumbled position on the stone floor, looking more dead to the world than alive to it.

“ _Sokka_ , fucking spirits!” Suki gasps, almost immediately getting in beside him. 

Sokka seems to register that someone is there, but just barely. A groan slips between his busted and pale lips, but that’s enough to make Suki’s heartbeat start up again, knowing that his was going too.

“Come on Sokka, you gotta open your eyes, look at me,” Suki yanks off her belt, starting to wrap it tightly around Sokka’s bleeding leg. 

“Suki... you gotta help me,” Sokka shifts against her hands, before his own hands find her wrists and hold on tightly, or what he thinks is tightly, when in reality his fingers don’t even have enough strength to wrap their fingers around his wrist completely. “You have to hide me. He wants me dead.”

“You know you’re safe now that we know there’s a threat,” Suki argues, trying to twist her arms away from his grasp. Sokka wasn’t making any sense, but she was glad to have his focus now even if his eyes still had yet to open up. 

Sokka’s tone grew frustrated, “Y’need to hide me somewhere.. These men are dangerous, they-.. he watched me kill one of his men..”

There is a pause, noises from the scene of the crime echoing even this far away, bringing the severity of the situation back to Suki. She didn’t have time to figure out if this was the smartest approach, she just knew that it was her job to keep the Fire Lord and the entire Royal Family safe, as well as make sure that Sokka didn’t die. Not ever. To her, this may be the best plan at the current moment, so she yanks her hands back to continue typing her knot around his injured thigh. 

“Alright. What do you want me to say then? Where are we even going to bring you? The first place that they’ll check is the medic.” Suki says, using her leader voice and not at all speaking to him like he was her best friend of ten years. She had to treat him as any other warrior at this point, a means to a safe end for everyone she cared about. 

“-Out of the palace, first.” Sokka begs her softly, not saying more than that, but what he does next is all but a miracle to Suki as his blue (yet bloodshot) eyes blink open a little unfocused up to her. They share a look that tells Suki all she needs to know. This won’t be easy, and it won’t be over once they escape the dangers inside of the palace walls. Her next move is to pull the shelf back into place as best she can from inside. How did Sokka do this while he was so injured? 

No more words are spoken between the pair as Suki helps Sokka limp down the dark corridor. Luckily for them, the end of the tunnel leads right out beside the hall that opened up to the courtyard. Unable to get across without the guards from the watchtowers, Suki moves forward first to catch a guard stationed on the ground by the shoulder.

“I’m taking over this part, you’re needed on the North end,” Suki says, taking over his position. There is a little confusion on his face, but he gives a sharp nod and steps out of her way to move in the direction he was supposedly needed in.

Suki waits for the footsteps to disappear, waving a hand behind her back to get Sokka to move forward. There is a small archway covering them from view of the guards above, Sokka keeping himself as close to the otter wall as much as he can. In order to help make less noise, he takes as long of strides as he could, his bad leg dragging behind him like he had no control over it anymore (maybe he didn't?). 

Frankly, it was too easy for them to slip from one of the back gates used mostly by the palace workers even with Sokka unable to walk more than two steps on his own, but they silently agreed that it was just because they knew the place better than anyone else for safety reasons. After getting out, they just tried to move further into the town. There doesn’t seem to be knowledge of the death inside the palace walls just yet, leaving the people to wander and shop at the markets like it was any other day. Sokka did draw some attention, despite their path through the back alleys, but Suki’s glare and the sight of her Kyoshi Warrior uniform put the few people in their places quickly. 

“Where are we going?” Sokka speaks up finally, nails digging into her armor on her shoulder so hard that Suki was sure there would be a mark left in it from his fingertips later, as he steps down hard into a dip in the cobblestone. 

“I know of a water tribesman we can trust,” Suki promises, stopping to look back at him but immediately her eyes zero in on the deeply reddened fabric around his thigh muscle. “He’ll know how to heal you, and he won’t ask questions.”

Sokka feels a calm wash over him at her words, nodding as he pushes forward. His mind is running a million miles a second, and he almost feels like he blacked out for however long it took for them to stop at the backdoor of a quaint little hovel. Curtains of red and a blue mat outside was the first thing that caught his attention, more so than a tall, tanned man that opened the door.

“Suki?” His voice reminded him of Bato, but that was about all Bato and this scary looking man had in common. It was like Sokka was six again and watching the Southern Water Tribe Warriors train from his hidden position behind one of the equipment tents.

“We need your complete discretion, Toa.” Suki says, stepping in front of Sokka before he can step forward or offer his arm for a shake. “This is a matter very near to the Fire Lord’s safety.”

“Of course.” Was all that he said, no question in his tone or wavering of his voice at all. The man Sokka knows now is named Toa, ushers them inside and calls for someone behind him with a list of supplies. “You water tribe?” He asks Sokka as Suki lays him down on a cot inside.

“Yes sir,” Sokka hadn’t noticed how slurred his speech was until just then, slumping back against the wall. How much blood had he lost, after all? Was his pant leg permanently stuck to him, would they have to cut him out of them to heal him?

“That’s good. This shouldn’t scare you then,” he says, taking the bowl of water from what Sokka assumed was his wife. “Thank you, Yen.”

Yen brushes a hand over her husband's hair, nodding with a smile before she turns to Suki “You’ve got blood on your hands, dear. You won’t want to watch this, let’s go get you cleaned up.”

Her voice is gentle, instantly calming, in a way Sokka hasn’t really heard from a woman since his mother passed. It tugs at something deep in Sokka’s chest, but then suddenly the wound on his leg is glowing white and blue and it looks like it should hurt but it _doesn’t- until it does!_ Fucking spirits! It feels like being stabbed all over again, but someone had set the dagger on fire before sinking it into the tender muscle of his upper thigh. Why does he feel so light headed? Why is everything all of a sudden so dark? He feels like he’s going to be sick.

-

“Sokka?” That’s Suki’s voice now, and something soft and cold and wet wiping at his cheek. 

Sokka’s blue eyes burn a little from the light above him, shifting before realizing he’s on the hard floor now, not the cot. “Wha-”

“You passed out. Toa got some water in you after he healed up the wound as much as he could,” Suki explains, dark eyes blinking down at him. She looked like a kid again, wide eyed and pink cheeked, like the first time Sokka managed to knock her to the ground during their Kyoshi Warrior training. 

“Oh.. and what..?” He trails off, lifting her wrist gently to see the rag she had clearly been using to wipe the dried blood and salty tears off of his face. “Thank you..” It was then that he noticed he had been changed too. Out of his own blue and bloody garbes into some loose tan pants and left shirtless. Probably for the better, with how much he was sweating all over, he would need a new shirt every ten minutes or so anyway.

No one says anything for a moment, the couple looking at each other while Suki’s eyes fell to the floor beside Sokka’s head. “You get some rest. We can figure out our plan later, Yen and Toa promised you could stay here as long as you needed to.”

“How far from the palace are we?”

“No one will come looking for you here, boy, if that is what you’re asking.” Toa says, lifting his head as Suki slips a pillow under.

“I have to get back to the palace,” Suki says, ringing out the rag in her nearby bowl. “What do I tell them Sokka? They'll be wondering where you are, where I went.”

“Suki..” Sokka ignored the hands on his shoulder as he pushed up onto his elbows. Quickly regretting the movement as a familiar burn rose in his throat, he laid himself back down without even needing to be warned by anyone else standing in the room. “I need you to do something for me. It’s important to the safety of everyone in the long term.. if they believe that I didn’t make it.”

“Didn’t- Sokka you want me to tell everyone you’re dead?” Her words come all in one gasp, reaching forward to yank at his sleeve a little as if to make sure he’s really there and that this isn’t some kind of crazy nightmare. Somehow he knew that they both wished it actually was. 

“You have to. If they think that no one alive knows their plans, they’ll be less careful,” 

“Sokka that doesn’t make any.. Okay..” Suki nods a little suddenly “But Zuko- Sokka what about Katara and your dad?”

Oh. Sokka hadn’t thought that part of the plan through just yet. But can you blame him? He _did_ almost just die for real… “They.. I’ll write them a letter. One no one else would ever understand. You can send it out for me,” If Katara really thought someone in the Fire Nation had killed him, Zuko would be more in danger from her than any other assassin could ever dream of causing. 

“I have to go,” Suki frowns, standing “Rest up, Sokka. We’re gonna need you to come up with the rest of your plan, and you have a lot of fucking explaining to do.”

“Language,” Toa’s voice came from behind him, and, well, _yep_ there was the Bato. Suki’s face held more sorry than her movements, quick to grab her headband from the edge of the cot. One last glance in Sokka’s direction, as if wanting him to change his orders, but no such luck. She’s out the door in a flash of stained green and gold, the door slamming behind her with a snapping sound.

-

Back at the palace, all hell had broken loose. Mai, the Crown Princess, and Azula had quickly been locked away in a safe space, guarded by more Kyoshi Warriors than even the Fire Nation’s bank had ever seen at one time. The guards body had been moved, the carpet cleaned with such speed and force it looked like it had just been sewn and placed down.

It was Suki who had decided she needed to be the one to tell Zuko the news. Even if she knew Sokka was alive, as safe and sound and taken care of as he could be, some part of her still felt like it was a little too real. That one wrong move, one minute too late to finding him, one inch to the left with the knife and this could be real. 

Suki gives a wave of the guards outside the throne room doors, moving herself into the room with her head held high and her eyes right on Zuko. She can’t bring herself to look at any of the guests, or she’ll get overwhelmed. She has to stay focused on Zuko, and she has to clear the room. However he is going to react to this, isn’t going to be anything that they should be there to witness, it’s going to be a personal moment. 

Zuko had slowly over the years confessed his growing interest in their friend, and she had seen his feelings turn from friendship love, to infatuation, to an all consuming, beautiful kind of love. It had taken a lot for him to open up about it. Zuko seemed at first to trust the Kyoshi Warriors with his life more than he trusted them with his personal feelings. Suki had been closer to him due to her relationship with Sokka and being the leader to the Warriors. Even so, Zuko was not a very open guy, especially not talking about how he felt. She remembers a specific moment, standing out on one of the many watch towers near the Fire Lord’s chambers.

The wind had been whipping around them, her uniform skirt brushing back and forth along her ankles while Zuko’s robes snapped behind him. She had found him out here first, coming up behind him with a soft “Want some company?”

“Sure,” Zuko said, a small smile on his face but he had yet to turn to face her. 

“What brings you out here?” She pauses, leaning her elbows on the railing in front of them “Or more accurately, what’s keeping you up tonight?”

“I was just.. thinking,” Zuko hums, finger brushing lightly back and forth along the grout between two of the stones. “You and Sokka.. why did you break up?” 

“You’re out here thinking about Sokka and I?” Suki laughs softly, “We just, both felt we had gotten everything out of that relationship that we could. And we were at a place where we could both… be friends without needing anything more from each other,” she offers him a shrug.

“Oh.” Is all he says. There’s no judgement, no surprise, no emotion really in that single syllable. 

“...Why do you ask?” She pushes, knowing Zuko needs to be prompted to remind him that not everyone can hear his thoughts out loud. She kind of already had a feeling that she knew why he was asking, but she needed to hear it from his mouth first.

“I don’t know,” Zuko sighs, head hanging forward a little. He had taken his hairpiece off long before, and his black silky hair tumbled over his face like a curtain. “I get these weird feelings when he’s around. And even stranger ones when he’s not around. Like I miss him, but I miss all of our friends!” It was like he was trying to argue with himself.

“Hmm.” 

That noise was all Suki offered him, and it was all the prompting he really needed to continue, “but that is crazy right? He’s just my best friend, and this is a normal way to feel. I guess I’m just not used to having a best friend… I am supposed to get this excited when I receive a letter from him.”

It was then that she noticed the small folded square of paper in his palm, the one not hanging over the edge of the stone wall in order to keep it safe from getting swept away in the wind. 

“I don’t think there is anything _wrong_ with how you feel, if that is what you are asking me.” Suki cleared her throat, not wanting to scare Zuko away. He had never shared something like this to her, and she didn’t want him to stop opening up like this in the future. “As someone who felt _romantic_ feelings for Sokka, I think you shouldn’t brush the idea away so quickly. Just… take time to figure yourself out.” She reaches over, brushing a hand along the back of his shoulder softly to comfort him.

Zuko hadn’t said anything else that night, except for a soft thank you and a goodnight when he had finally stepped away from the ledge after a long comfortable silence between the two. Since that moment, they had multiple conversations similar to that, each time Suki learning more and more about Zuko’s complicated feelings for their loud, brash, Southern Water Tribesmen best friend. 

Now, all she could see as she spoke up, telling Zuko she had something private to tell him, was the visual sight of breaking his heart in just moments. Hopefully, Sokka would come up with a plan quickly, and Zuko wouldn’t hate her forever for this.

““Zuko... It’s Sokka.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments, always much appreciated!!!
> 
> check out my tumblr for posts about the fic and update schedules! also feel free to ask me anything you'd like there @hotdamnitszuko


	4. the family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long!! i ended up being way busier than i thought i'd be, and with midterms coming up and me being out of town i'mma try to work on the next one a little bit every day so y'all don't have to wait so long!!
> 
> anyways, enjoy this lil filler kinda chapter with some comforting hakoda and murderous toph!!
> 
> sorry it's so short, i promise the plot is gonna pick up soon and the chapters will get longer.

_ “ _ _ I find no peace and all my war is done, _

_ I fear and hope, I burn and freeze like ice, _

_ I fly above the wind, yet can I not arise, _

_ And not I have and all the world I seize on; _

_ That loseth nor locketh holdeth me in prison; _

_ And holdeth me not; yet can I scape nowise, _

_ Nor letteth me live nor die at my devise, _

_ And yet of death it giveth me occasion. _

_ Without eyes I see; and without tongue I plain: _

_ I desire to perish, and yet I ask health; _

_ I love another: and thus I hate myself; _

_ I feed me in sorrow; and laugh in all my pain: _

_ Likewise displeaseth me both death and life, _

_ And my delight is causer of this strife. _ _ ” - Shakespeare _

_ + _

It was unusually cloudy in the Fire Nation when ships bearing blue Southern Water Tribe sails were spotted off the shores. When they finally docked, the air felt like an entire ocean was suspending around them because the tension was so high.

It was the first time in two weeks that Zuko had been outside of the palace, let alone had the sun on his face (or at least the little bit that was showing through the clouds). He had been dreading this day, and when Suki had come to wake him well after noon to let him know they were arriving he had half tried to bury himself further into his silk sheets. Since the news broke about Sokka’s death, Uncle Iroh had instantly told Zuko he would be taking over all of his Fire Lord duties for the future as they can see it. Zuko would have put up a fight any other time, claiming how that wasn’t a good look for the Fire Lord and how he couldn’t let his people down, but he had barely flinched as he signed the papers and gave him his official Fire Lord seal. 

Mai had been by his side as he got dressed. She brushed out his long hair, foregoing the flaming hairpin. Carefully detangling his black locks, she talked to him softly, telling him that things would be alright. That it would be nice to have their second family at the palace. How  _ none of this was his fault _ . That last point was the one that made him turn his face down away from the mirror, and rest a hand over hers on his shoulder. 

Zuko looked as if he had been the one to lose a son, as Hakoda made his way over to the man, but really he was still a boy in his eyes, and always would be. The Chieftain took long strides, his strong arms pulling Zuko into his chest almost immediately when he got to him. His blue tunic was slightly scratchy and far too warm for the weather in the Fire Nation, but none of that stopped Zuko from automatically melting into hold.

“Chieftain Hakoda I-” Zuko’s whimper is caught in his shirt, throat tightening up almost immediately. He hasn’t spoken more than a few sentences in the last two weeks, and it felt like his vocal cords didn’t work anymore. 

“Don’t apologize, my boy.” Hakoda’s voice was as deep and comforting as it had been when he had met him all those years ago after breaking him out of jail. The embrace he currently had the Fire Lord locked into was almost identical to that he had held Sokka and Katara on that day.

_ Katara _ .

Zuko pulled himself away from Hakoda to look over his shoulder, feeling like he had gotten punched in the chest as he saw Katara standing there. It hadn’t been long since he had seen her, but she looked so much older like this. Standing there, Aang a step behind, holding the hand of her four year old son. She held so much tension in her shoulders and grief on her face. 

They had all been through heartbreak and loss in their lives, far too much for their young ages, but Katara had always been such a strong force in his eyes. Even now as she walked up to him, her shoulders were back and her chin was held high. Zuko had always wished he could put up a front like she had, and began to feel the same guilt growing in the pit of his stomach.

Mai and Suki, and even Azula, had tried everything they could to try to explain to him that he was allowed to grieve Sokka however he wanted to. He was having trouble believing them, and still thought he was stealing the sadness from Sokka’s family. It felt like he was an imposter, that he had no right to cry this much or sleep in this much or turn down meals from feeling sick constantly this much. His mind had somehow convinced him that there was a limited amount of sorrow out there and he was being greedy with it, hoarding it to himself. When he had tried to voice this (through as little words as possible) to the royal family's therapist, he had gotten bright red and embarrassed when the doctor had said that was ridiculous. Maybe he didn’t say that exactly, but that was what Zuko felt he had said when he left his office.

“Zuko,” Aang approached him first. Even the always grinning Avatar was wearing a straight face, but he still clapped a hand down onto the Fire Lord's shoulder in a comforting manner. “Bumi, why don’t you go say hi to your aunts and baby Izumi.”

The toddler wasted no time bounding away from them, back to where Mai and Azula were standing back to give them some space. They had to have told him, in whatever way you explain death to a kid who can’t yet read, based on how unusually quiet Bumi was.

When Zuko looked up again, he met bright blue eyes approaching him. “Come here,” Katara whispered, wrapping her arms around his neck and having to stand on her toes to hug him comfortably.

Something about her gentle voice, lacking any venom or hatred, cracked something deep in Zuko’s chest. He had half the mind to call for a doctor at that moment, but what came out of his mouth instead was a broken sob. Katara’s grip tightened, and between his shaking Zuko could feel the robes wrapped over his left shoulder starting to dampen with tears that did not belong to his own salty cheeks.

A hand went to each of their backs, Hakoda’s on Zuko’s and Aang’s to Katara’s respectfully. Zuko couldn’t tell you how long they stood there, breaking down in each other’s arms and tight grips. It was until there was a yell from where the ship was docked, that they pulled apart at a fast speed.

“Zuko, you’re a fucking deadman!”

Between yells from the guards, and Katara’s shouts about there being children around, Zuko barely registered Toph barreling at him. That was until his ankles and wrists were suddenly encased in tall rock, and the metal of his robes collar had been turned to point daggers nearly into the sensitive skin of his neck. If he gulped he could realistically cut his own throat, if they were as sharp as they seemed to have been bent.

“Toph! Let him go!” That was Suki’s voice, Zuko could tell but he couldn’t turn his neck to see her approaching quickly behind him. 

“And why should I do that?! So he can get one of us killed next?!” She had grown taller through her teenage years, but even at twenty-one she was still barely to Zuko’s shoulders as she marched closer. 

“What is wrong with you?!” Katara snapped, “Aang, get Zuko free. Toph- you know damn well it isn’t his fault!”

“How is it not his fault?! We trusted him to keep Sokka safe- and now he’s dead!” Toph’s voice sounded wet, and despite not being able to actually see her, her eyes narrow at Katara in a glare. 

“You know he loves Sokka as much as we do!” Katara shoots back. 

Zuko forgot he wasn’t breathing until he felt the stone around his arms and legs fall away, and the metal in his skin bend back away. His limbs felt weak just from the commotion and Toph’s words. Thankfully, Hakoda and Suki were by his side to catch him as he stumbled back.

“She’s right,” He spoke up, hoarse voice at the loudest it’s been since his breakdown two weeks ago, having to almost shout to make himself heard over the fighting. “You all have every right to hate me, and wish me dead. I am responsible for every life in the Fire Nation, and I couldn’t… I couldn’t save his-”

“Why don’t we go inside. Get these kids in before the sky parts and we are all soaking wet,” Hakoda offers, fingers digging into the soft silk sleeve that covered Zuko’s upper arms. It was a grounding hold, not an angry one.

The young adults all murmured agreeances, Toph scoffing but grabbing onto Aang’s arm to follow them all back to the palace. They all walked in silence, the only noise of the Water Tribe boots on the cobblestone walkways. 

Iroh greeted them at the doors, giving around hugs to everyone. Toph visibly calmed when it was her turn. Iroh somehow, using his wise Uncle powers to somehow know about the slight assassination attempt she had just committed against his nephew in broad daylight, leaning in to whisper something in her ear. Toph nodded along, hugging him again and answering whatever he had asked. When they finally broke apart, giving Hkoda a turn to speak to him, she moved back to Zuko’s side to link her arm in his gently. 

“I’m still angry at you.” She said as he lead her, and the rest of their party behind them, to the main dining space.

“You have every right to be,” Zuko replied with ease, but that didn’t stop his cheeks from reddening with sadness and embarrassment, his scar itching at the flared edges like it always had after he cried a lot.

“But I shouldn’t have tried to kill you. Especially not in front of Katara.” Toph paused and sighed, “The boat ride was rough… I only got on halfway through but she…” She trailed off. He knew exactly what Toph was trying to tell him, and he let her know this by patting her arm gently. Not another word was spoken between the two.

They all sat down around the table, legs crossed and folded under them on the floor pillows. There was no food set out, only a tea kettle steaming in front of Iroh’s spot and cups in front of all of them. Any meal that was made would just be wasted, none of the attendees having any appetite at the current moment. 

“We had a ceremony for Sokka down in the village,” Hakoda said, hands folded on the steel table in front of him. “It was really… I wish you all could have been there.”

Zuko felt sick even at the thought, and was glad he had been excluded from it, actually. But he offered the Chieftain a half smile from the other side of the table and nodded. “I am sure it was..”

Zuko had not brought himself to ask to see Sokka when he had calmed down after Suki broke the news to him. He was sure that his family would want to, but they kept him blissfully unaware of their plans to do so. That, he was extremely grateful for.

(Zuko was also unaware of the fact that Hakoda and Katara were grieving a brother and a son that they knew they had not lost. Suki and Sokka made sure that they knew he was alive and safe, but in order to stay that way they would have to do the hardest thing he’d ever imagine asking them to do: pretend he was dead. Katara had pitched a fit not unlike one her son would throw when he didn’t get his way. It was Hakoda who had sat her down by the fire in his home and whispered to her that if this is what they had to do to keep this from becoming a reality, they would have to. He reminded her that Sokka was a brave and smart young man, and that he would find a way to fix this situation, whatever it may be that he couldn’t tell them about just yet.)

Conversations stayed light and casual, as if this was just any other visit at the palace. Despite that, there was an edge to all of their voices, sentences cutting off short if they went down the line of talking about Sokka. It turns out that a lot of their lives revolved so heavily around the young Water Tribesman.

“Zuko?” Katara asked softly when the others had started to leave the room, Iroh leading the rest of their guests to their usual rooms. 

Zuko met Azula’s eyes as she stood too, seeing her nod gently to him as if to say he would be alright. She had been checking in on him a lot lately, and he found comfort in this. Their roles had shifted in the last two weeks, Azula taking on the older-sibling protective figure in their family.

“Yes?” Zuko turned to his right, facing her head on now. 

“It really is so… good to see you.” She says, reaching for his hand, slender fingers gripping his in just the right way, “Sokka loved you so much… Suki wrote to us too, after your letter came. She said you all still didn’t know exactly what happened, but she expressed that she knows Sokka did what he knew was right. That he did what he had to in order to keep you and your family safe.”

Zuko’s shoulders locked up, head tilting down. If he was able to crawl into his shell like the turtleducks in the pond in the courtyard, he would in this moment. 

“No, wait, I didn’t mean that in an accusing way,” Katara sighed, “I just mean.. Sokka would have risked his life for everyone he cared about. Nothing he did was ever dictated by anyone else, you should know that as much as anyone else,” she laughed softly, but it was full of sorrow. Zuko hated the sound so much it made his ears hot.

“I have to tell you something. Only Aang knows, and we just aren’t ready to tell people yet. It’s not the time, and everything is so scary right now… but if I keep it to myself any longer I’ll go crazy.” Zuko looked up, his good eyes widening to the size of teacups. Was she- “I’m pregnant. I was going to wait another month to send Sokka a letter about it. He was going to be the first person I told besides Aang… he would have been so excited… he would have complained that I waited until he was halfway across the world to get pregnant just to spite him, though.” Her laugh was brighter this time, but that didn’t stop tears from filling her eyes.

“Katara… Why are you telling me this?” Zuko asked, having to clear his throat after her name. “Not that I am not extremely happy for you but- why now? Why me? What about Hakoda, or Suki?”

“You… you’re the closest I can get to him anymore, Zuko. Telling you feels like I am talking to him… the two of you were a pair, unlike any I had ever seen. Things weren’t supposed to go this way, you two were supposed to be happy together, just like you always were meant to. Things were finally going to fall into place.” Her voice was soft, and as she finished her husband's head had poked back through the doorway, calling her to say Bumi was asking for her. 

Zuko would think about those words, echoing in his brain over and over as he walked to his chambers once the sun went down. Katara had meant something with her words, but Zuko couldn’t quite place what she was trying to really tell him. Or maybe it was because he hadn’t wanted to believe it, because there was no way he would ever be able to move on once he had accepted the fact that-

No. He had to stop. Zuko couldn’t let himself think like this anymore. Instead, he let himself crawl into bed, thankful to feel the warmth of Mai already under the covers. She and Izumi had become permanent fixtures on the right side of his bed that was usually left empty. It helped.

Everything his friends and family had been doing had helped a little. But that didn’t stop him from silently crying into his pillow every night, until Mai’s arm wrapped around him and she soothed him to sleep the way his mother had when he was a child.

Things weren’t supposed to go this way. It wasn’t supposed to be this hard. Sokka was supposed to be here, he was supposed to be the one behind the warm hand brushing up the back of Zuko’s sleep shirt, comforting him.

That was the thought that lulled Zuko into an unconscious state, one that you could barely call sleeping. The cycle of painful grief would continue, but at least now he had his whole family there. Even if they were all missing the most important member.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls leave some comments and kudos! they make my entire day so much better, i've been going back to read the comments on the last chapter to keep myself motivated because sometimes i think this story isn't worth keeping going!!
> 
> also, i need some inspiration for one-shots to write in between these chapters, so please go send in some requests to my tumblr @hotdamnitszuko. if you're feeling generous (but no obligation at all, obviously!) and really enjoy my work, i have a kofi too! it is: https://ko-fi.com/hotdamnitshailey 
> 
> and if you're american and over 18, don't forget to vote! you can find information on everything you need to know at votesaveamerica.com
> 
> much love!!


	5. the sneak out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok listen. hi i'm back from the dead to finally get this chapter out. more at the end notes. this is very much unedited i type a word and immediately forget what i just wrote down so take this with a whole block of salt.
> 
> also i know that if you're reading this before the next update of feels like we only go backwards by the great and wonderful oldpotatoe, i am also wasting my time just waiting for the next update. it's okay, u can admit it. i understand.
> 
> much appreciated for the patience, i hope u enjoy this chapter! stuff is starting to pick up :)

_“I am Dead, but it's not so bad. I've learned to live with it.” -_ _Isaac Marion,_ _Warm Bodies_

Zuko had been called to a meeting by a palace worker gently knocking on his door, just after the break of dawn, with the sun just barely peeking into the hallway windows as he took a slow pace. Hakoda was already waiting for him there, sitting across from Uncle Iroh. Both the men had delicate teacups in front of them, steaming still and having just been freshly poured. As Zuko’s presence was made, another teacup was set before his own chair at the head of the table. 

“Good morning, Fire Lord Zuko,” Uncle Iroh says in his usual formal tone, a kind smile on his face. His hands shake a little as he sips from his cup, something Zuko had mentioned worry for to him before. 

“Uncle,” Zuko greets, wrapping his hands around the warm ceramic in front of him “Chieftain Hakoda.” 

“I’m sorry to call a meeting at such an early hour,” Hakoda says softly, “But I assumed that you were getting about as much sleep as I am... Very little…”

Zuko nods instead of responding with words, sipping at his tea. It is a little too hot even for a firebender, but the burning sensation down his throat is grounding in a way that sends spikes down his back. He doesn’t tell the Chief that firebenders rise with the sun. Sokka used to laugh at that, telling Zuko how overdramatic he was. He would ask Zuko why he couldn’t just say he got up early like a normal person.

“Fire Lord Zuko,” Hakoda’s tone had shifted to something more serious, his posture somehow getting even straighter. There was a part of Hakoda that just screamed that he was a father, it was something that Zuko found extremely comforting over the years that they have known each other. 

“I felt that it was in the best interest of both your nation and my people to write up an official document discussing the future-” Zuko felt like he was going to be sick all of a sudden. How could he have seriously thought that there wouldn’t be repercussions for his country being the cause of the Southern Water Tribe Chief’s son.

“-to insure that no one will try anything that could harm either of our people. We are not holding you, the rest of the royal family, or anyone in the Fire Nation responsible for… the tragedy that has occured” Hakoda was looking down at the small stack of scrolls in his hands, but he wasn’t reading off of them, that much Zuko could tell. 

“You.. what?” There was a tiny clinking sound of where Zuko’s hands shook a little, his teacup meeting his saucer. 

“We don’t want the guilt of this over your head. This was done because my son was in the wrong place and time, and he was entirely too headstrong,” Hakoda has a tender smile on his face, looking up at Zuko. “I have already signed these, but you are more than welcome to take your time reading these and deciding on it.” 

The papers feel rough in Zuko’s fingers as they are passed over, and he skims the first couple of paragraphs before he reaches for the ink pot to sign his messy name, in the same way he is so used to doing a hundred times a day.

He doesn’t need to read the document to know that he would agree with every word of it. And if his uncle’s presence at the table is anything to go by, he knows that Uncle has already read it and approved it’s contents. Zuko would do whatever he needed to, whatever Hakoda asked. 

Had he taken the time to read it, he might have picked up on the small fact that the document never mentioned Sokka’s death explicitly. The language of the document was heavily in a hypothetical tone, stating that neither nation would be responsible for repaying the other if something were to happen. A metaphorical, pre-written and agreed on white flag to avoid any wars started from devastating tragedies. 

“Oh- well.. Thank you,” Hakoda reaches over the table for what Zuko assumes is the signed document, but is instead met with the older man's hand over his own, paler one. “None of this, not a single second of what has happened, has been your fault.”

There is a finality in his voice that almost, _almost_ , makes Zuko believe him.

-

After two weeks of hiding out, Sokka decided it was time for him to venture outside of his hiding place in Toa and Yen’s home. 

(Toa had been the one to suggest it, but really he had been hinting at it for a few days now. Sokka wasn’t that dense, and he could tell Toa was probably getting tired of coming home to Sokka sitting in his cot that took up almost all of the living space, using up all of his ink and scrolls to try and plot out his next moves.)

Suki and Sokka had decided that it would be best for him to go out only under the disguise of a Kyoshi Warrior uniform. When she had gotten back to visit him one night her arms were full of green fabric and face paint. 

Sokka found himself sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of a slightly cracked mirror, hands moving in a familiar smooth way as he dragged his paint covered fingers over his dark skin. He had a love for the Kyoshi Warrior uniforms, and felt a similar pride when he put it on that he did when he put on his Southern Water Tribe wolf warrior face paint and armor. 

Once his sash was tight around his waist and his long hair was pulled back out of his face, he felt ready to go out and not be recognized. The people of the Fire Nation had come to respect the Kyoshi Warriors after their years of their work around the nation and keeping the royal family and palace workers safe. 

Sokka knew that Toa and Yen would be back soon, as he watched the sun dip down below the roofs. He scratches out a quick note that he was alive and safe, and would be back soon, before slipping out of the back door. 

He really had no plan of what he was looking for or where he was going to go, but he set out with his head high and willing his leg to keep a steady pace that looked as normal as possible. 

The city was moving and busy, but the crowds weren’t claustrophobic enough that Sokka was worried. He kept with the flow of the crowd for a couple of blocks of market stalls, before he ducked away down into one of the walkways behind some of the shop buildings. 

His fingers brushed against the fans attached to his belt as he walked, noting to himself that the armor hid the shape of his body and that his long hair made him blend in with any other woman that is a part of the green-clad warriors. Sokka never minded that, when he wore the garments in the past. If anything, he felt more confident when he wore it.

In the past, Sokka would have been horrified to see himself wearing such a thing marketed directly towards women. Now? Sokka would often take some of Katara’s dresses that would fit him. They weren't much different from his own tunics, other than they hung lower and often the waist of the clothing was more fitted.

(It _did_ help that it made Katara mad when she would walk out of her room to find Sokka wearing the outfit she had been looking forward to wearing that morning. Anything Sokka did that made his little sister angry was a good thing, in his eyes, no matter how old they were.)

Sokka was thankful for the still small minded people of the Fire Nation for looking no further than his long hair and armor, deciding in their minds that there was no possible way he was anyone other than a female Kyoshi Warrior and not at all the best friend of the Fire Lord who had been killed inside of the palace walls.

Hushed conversations followed him down the alleyway where he stopped to think about what his next moves were. It wasn’t until he heard his own name that he froze. Had someone seen him and realized who he was?

“The ceremony is supposed to be to the level of losing a royal family member,” An older woman’s voice echoed. 

“I heard that the whole family was here. I could not imagine losing a child…” Another woman clicked her tongue, the sound of paper crinkles as she wraps up a small bouquet of flowers.

“I know. My son is only a few years older than Sokka of the Southern Water Tribe. I don’t think I would be able to get out of bed, let alone travel across the world. I have nothing but respect for Chieftain Hakoda.”

His father was here now? And Katara?

Suki didn’t tell him that. Though he had the thought that they would show up eventually, he didn’t know they were in the city. Anxiety rose in his chest suddenly at the thought of his family being in that palace while unknown assassins hid in wait.

He had to find these guys. Now. Before they could get any close to the people he loved. Soon enough, a new routine began for Sokka. 

-

Zuko didn’t even want to go to the ceremony in the first place. He had been unable to sleep for a single second the night before. The thought of standing in front of most of his nation’s people and having to publicly mourn Sokka with them as if they had any idea of how important Sokka was to his family and friends, made him feel like he was going to be sick the entire time.

Uncle and Hakoda had decided that they would follow the traditional Fire Nation funeral ceremony, before they gave him a formal Southern Water Tribe burial once they returned home. 

He didn’t mean to start to panic. It had started slowly, triggered by seeing the altar decorated with flowers and candles, a portrait of Sokka in the middle. No one had been tipped off as they listened to the officiant.

Zuko didn’t notice his hands shaking until it was his turn to step up to the altar. He reaches forward for the small bowl of incense for a piece, and the first two slip straight through his fingers. He can feel himself getting frustrated, his breath shaking as it comes out followed by sparks.

The only thing that kept him from flipping the entire bowl over in frustration was the feeling of Mai’s hand over his, opening his palm face up before placing a small lump in it. She helped guide his hand up to his forehead, with her other hand brushing the back of his neck. 

Zuko let the stone drop into the small bowl of hot coals, and for a moment he thought things were going to be alright. Until his eyes caught sight of one of Sokka’s things that they had placed on the altar.

(Because it was a public ceremony, they had decided it would be best to just place items of his instead of getting Sokka’s... his body ready to be exposed to thousands of strangers.)

It was the painting he had done for Master Piandao, the rainbow still bright as ever in the corner. Underneath was Zuko’s own painting, similar in content but different in style and sophistication. The edges of both of the papers were weathered and torn slightly after how many years had gone by. 

Zuko didn’t know that Sokka had brought it with him, or why he still even had it. Zuko had given it to him as a joke after he found out that Piandao made him do the same exercise.

Something inside of Zuko crumbled again, and he forgot that they were standing in front of all of the nation’s people as he let a sudden shout escape from deep within his chest. The shouts didn’t stop, and only became accompanied by tears and his fingers pulling at the roots of his hair at the front of his hairline.

“Zuko-” Mai’s voice gets through to him, her grip on the back of his neck tightening in a comforting way. “Not here.”

Her words didn’t come from a place of anger or embarrassment, instead from a place of wanting to give Sokka’s family the time to grieve their loss during this ceremony. 

“Zuko, let’s step back inside,” Uncle’s voice was neck, helping him stand. The crowd was nearly completely silent, soft murmurs from earlier cut short in shock and worry for their young Fire Lord. 

Azula took place of Mai at his side, blocking his view of Hakoda and Katara as they moved behind the thick curtains back into the palace. What Zuko also didn’t see behind him was Mai pulling their daughter into her arms from where Suki had been holding Izumi, and Izumi’s silent tears from the scary outburst that came out of her father. “It’s alright Zuzu, we’ve got you. We are going to take care of you.” 

Never had Azula reminded him more of their mother than in that moment.

-

Zuko was brought to his room, and left to sleep for the rest of the day. He wasn’t really alone, guards at the entrance of his doors and his uncle coming in to trade in his tea every time it got cold after a couple of sips.

Eventually they left him be, after long enough of pretending to sleep under his heavy blankets. 

Zuko waited a while longer before his feet hit the stone ground, shuffling himself over to his wardrobe. What he wanted wasn’t inside, but instead attached to the backside of the wooden wardrobe that was pushed against the wall. He made quick and quiet work of getting the familiar blue mask and sword sheath without alarming the guards he knew were steps away.

The thought of going back out as the Blue Spirit had been crossing his mind for days now, needing an out of the pity stares and the reminders of what he (and everyone else) had lost. He still had the feeling of wanting revenge, and knew that there were men out there somewhere who were directly responsible for Sokka’s death. 

Zuko changed from his robes into some tighter black outfit, stretching out his muscles. It had been a long time since he had broken out this disguise, but the mask still rested over his face in a comforting manner. 

It should have been more difficult for Zuko to find his way out of his bedroom window without being caught, but him and Sokka had found all of the blindspots around the palace years ago, and he remembered them like the lines etched into the palms of his hands or the ache of his scar in the summer heat.

-

Sokka began going out every night after the sun tipped down into the western portion of the sky, and Yue was seen bright on the other side of the mountains that surrounded the city.

Covered in his disguise, weapons easily in reach, and determination coursing heavy and hot through his bloodstream, Sokka would search the city. He peeked through windows of older buildings that seemed to be empty, he would follow behind suspicious looking men for blocks without them noticing until he could clear them, he even would go so far as to eavesdrop on conversations from behind stalls and from inside dressing rooms.

Sokka kept this going for over a week. Every night he learned a little more of the town gossip.

He also had to witness the aftermath of a ceremony of his supposed death. People sniffling in the streets, posters wishing him a peaceful trip to the spirit world, and condolences to his family from complete strangers. 

(Sokka didn’t go to the ceremony. It felt too wrong, and he didn’t want to risk being noticed through his face paint. Though he heard of the breakdown from the Firelord that caused him to be led away from the ceremony by his Uncle and sister, and something inside of Sokka had been out of place since then. All he wanted to do was make sure his family and friends were safe and these men were brought down before they could hurt anyone else. He would suffer through any anger that came with returning to the palace, and would take any of the punishments waiting for him for lying to them about something so serious.)

Nothing particularly important had been happening on this night, nothing sticking out to him until he had decided to start making his way back to Toa and Yen’s home.

He was so focused on getting home and finding himself something to eat for a late dinner that he almost doesn’t see the figure moving quickly between rooftops. Except, he does. And then he notices the mask, and the movements that felt as though they were Sokka’s own with how quickly he recognized them.

_Zuko_.

Or more specifically, the Blue Sprite, Zuko’s hidden identity he liked to bring out when he needed a break from being the most powerful man in the entire Fire Nation. Why was Zuko out in the open? Was he insane? Asking for the assassins to find him?

Sokka didn’t stop to think too hard about that so as to not send himself into a spiral of panic, and instead pushed himself back into the neighboring wall. His eyes stayed trained on Zuko’s fast moving body, staying out of sight as he followed underneath where Zuko’s quiet footsteps were.

Sokka wanted nothing more than to shout up to Zuko, climb up after him and pull him into a tight hug and never let him go again. Nearly a month without him was less than they had spent apart in the past, but it was much harder to be away from him knowing that he was directly hurting Zuko. 

The following went on for about half an hour, Zuko occasionally stopping to hide from the sounds of the city below him. It was like a slow, silent chase, and Sokka became worried the longer they went on without Zuko noticing he was being followed. Sokka stayed hot on his trail until Zuko turned back toward the palace, not having found what he was looking for. 

Maybe he was looking for the same thing Sokka was, the same people.

Sokka made sure that Zuko was safely on his way back making himself sparse. As much as he wanted to follow Zuko all the way to the gates of the palace and beyond, he couldn’t risk getting himself caught. He trusted Zuko to know how to use those swords, he had been witness to it and even on the receiving end of a takedown with them many times before. 

That would not be the last time the two of them would cross paths in their respective hidden identities, looking out for the dangerous men roaming the city. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah jeez
> 
> ok so i went on a trip up to my school out of state mid october and then got back a month later, only to get slammed with finals stuff and work. once i finished, i just wanted to spend time with my family because i was working or doing school 24/7 from the moment i got back until finals week ended. i also was dealing with a lot of school linked stress and depression and i have had a hard time getting back into writing because of how much i had to do for school, and this chapter was really hard for me to work through and get written. to be completely transparent with anyone who is reading this, i am having a really tough time getting through this fic. i feel like this isn't the best of my writing abilities and i am hoping that i am able to finish this fic in a way that i am proud of and not just to get it done. i am proud of myself for sticking it out because i really enjoy the plot i have created here and i hope that it continues to live up to what y'all are hoping for.
> 
> i really appreciate anyone who has stuck around and i promise that the next update will be out much sooner! i also have a couple of other fics in the work, so if you enjoy my writing please stick around for those! also as for the chapter number changing, if anyone noticed, i decided to move two chapter plotlines into one in my outline :)!
> 
> much love, please stay safe, and have a wonderful new year! <3  
> ps. you can find me on tumblr at hotdamnitszuko


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